All this while, I have been trying very hard to achieve something. And the harder i try, the more i fail. I got disappointed and I am very disappointed. I might look alright outside, but inside me, I felt terrible.. I do not know who to turn to when I need help. I know God is there for me.. But somehow, I felt I was a distance away from him. I kept avoiding the reality. I am not good enough for anything. I felt lost. I do not like to keep things within myself. But I do not have the courage to share with the righteous..I wasn't there for my friend when friend needed help the most. I used to be caring, polite, thoughtful, kind and understanding. I used to be the one that give unconditional love to others. But the thing that i got from other people, it really breaks my heart.. I wonder why do I waste my time and effort on those selfish people where they are just trying to take advantage of me... And soon, I became to feel that I need not be so nice to people. I need not care for people... I began to treat some of my friend unfairly. I was cold hearted towards them. But if I don't do this, things won't go my way. I also began to realise that I am selfish. And I treated them that way that they are hurt emotionally. For this, I want to say that I am very sorry. I do not know what I can do for you, so I just want to say, get on with your life. Move on.. If you know that I am refering to you, pls accept my apologise. I felt terrible when I send you the last mgs. I just hope that you won't seek others, but you will seek God.
I may not be a good leader, but at least I am learning. I am trying very hard to help you ppl. But who understand? Who is willing to share the burden that I am carrying? Just want to tell you, dy, do not be a loser! Things are not done through saying. It is by doing it. And I hope you will not be a tale-barrier. Don't just keep complaning. If you can, do something about it! You know it dosen't get you anywhere when you complain. It dosen't help. And I am saying this, dy, you can come to me and talk to me. Cos I do not feel very happy when you did that kind of action and walk away like that!
Next thing.. I regretted. I DEEPLY REGRETTED IT. Something that struck my life. I just do not have the courage to tell my friend. If I had done so, friend will not get till so upset. I was the cause of the action. I was the one to blame! I was the fault. I just hope that you can scold me for making you **, pour out your feelings to me! I seriously didn't know all these things. You hardly give me any chance to say wad and how I feel about it and stuff... Anyway, I felt bad, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And lesson learnt was to tell the truth no matter how hard you are going to face it. Have the courage to do it, if you think you are right. I just hope that I can understand you better. The most happy thing is to feel it with your heart.
Feelings to describe myself today: horrible. nostalgic. sick.
BUT OH WELL, TODAY IS CASSANDRA'S BIRTHDAY! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE!! ITS AN UNFORGETABLE DAY I GUESS...
We gave her a surprise birthday party at her void on this special day, 12.03.2008 and the planning took days.. It was worth it tho.. All those smashing and "ice skating" at her void.. And then played card games, slapping each other hand etc.. and then mtv, drinking... Oh guess wad? I only drank a little, and I felt that my whole body buring.. And I felt that my heart plumping so hard!!! ARRRR!!! I hate that feeling.. My face was red. Very red!! and I felt giddy... Feeling better after puking and stuff.. Slept at cass house and had a wonderful time!! Almost everybody was drunk but still conscious. Except for this leonard. He was drunk and puke all over.. And this morning, we had a hard time sending leo to the car.
It was not plan this way.. Drinking was not part of the planning. and ya, I got nothing to say. But anyway, I just felt bad and guity... Forgive me.